August 08, 2007

Mum and me...

My dad passed away when I was 21 years old and I have recently learned that I tend to block horrible things in my life, out of my mind.....I have learned recently that my Dad worshipped the ground I walked on, even though I had blocked his death out of my mind and only remembered the arguments that we had had previous to him becoming ill. For years I pondered over this....although sometimes, I remembered flashbacks of him caring for me, for instance, I can remember him putting TCP on my grazed leg and bandaging it up.....believing me when I said 'no' I hadn't pushed the neighbours daughter over and things like that....but somehow I had scrambled the rest up in my mind, I suppose it was the guilt in me...the remembering the lead up to my lovely dads passing away and not cherishing the short time that we had been given together to be nice to each other, but arguing about silly teenage antics and spoiling everything that we had had.....remembering the bad times not the good.

Well in the time that I have not blogged, I have been on a long journey into my past and have learnt many things about myself through the most amazing person that you would ever be lucky enough to meet - My Mum. ...You see after my dads death, we sort of drifted, I married Fred and had Daz and Rosie and although she looked after them and helped me with them as much as she could, we were still drifting, we could never properly communicate with each other, we were each waiting for the other to say something, but were both too stubborn to say it -what? I can hear you ask, but I really do not know - it was a kind of a hurt in our throats - a build up from all the anxiety, that had happened in the past - the rejection that my Mum had felt of my Dad leaving her so suddenly and then me getting married and leaving her too! and it was me feeling all rejected waiting for her to say I am so proud of you darling and her never actually saying it. My mum met Reg a few years after my dad passed away - he has been so good to her, infact they have been together now for 17 years, and for a good 10 of them I was very cold towards him, I can understand the step child syndrome thing there, although I must admit I am not very proud to to own up to that! (because I was in my twenties!!)...but I put it all down to being the only child and getting very possessive of ones parent! especially as I felt he was getting more attention than me! my mum has always been a good organiser and while I was having my kids, she threw her self into running a couple of clubs, organising trips and really making retired and widowed people feel like someone cared.

Whilst I have been away from my blog I have been staying with my mum, we have had a nasty couple of weeks wondering whether she might have the big 'C' and we have come through the most amazing journey together, I suppose we were preparing ourselves for the worst....and also I was preparing myself for history repeating itself again....all the things that I never said to her, like I LOVE YOU MUM and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU MUM and the wishing that she had said them to me too, because all my live I have lived trying to be better than everyone else - to be noticed! frightened of sinking into oblivion, wanting my mum to notice me and tell me that she was proud of ME too!...for if she had just said those words, it would have made everything perfect. But we learned through those couple of weeks, that we both loved each other, that she was proud of me and I was definitely proud of her and we told each other so. We cried together, we cuddled, I sat next to her on the settee like I was 8 years old again (if only), we went shopping, we had meals out, we bought each other things and at the end of it all we were told she was going to be OK and I really cannot put into words how we felt....we felt invincible, we felt together, we felt beautiful, we were humbled.


We had found each other again. My lovely mum who had bought me up, made me the person that I am today, I had found her again and she had found me. She told me how my dad used to worship me, how she has always loved me, worried about me, all those little stories about my past that children love to hear, I loved her telling me....she told me about many many good times, we never focussed on the bad....we looked forward, we bonded.

I am so glad that we have found each other again....we have planned a few things to do together, we will never leave each other out, of our lives so much again and although I couldn't make a speech at her 70th birthday, I will definitely be making one at her 80th, telling her family and friends that I am such a proud daughter, she is the most amazing person that you would ever wish to meet, she is my hero and I love her with all my heart....Thank you Mum xx